Please Eat Me Out

It's strange how a man can fuck up his career by where he puts his penis. Take the Arsenal reject Ashley Cole. Married to pop singer and X Factor judge - whatever that is - Cheryl Tweedy, whose name sounds like a cartoon character but whose marriage has turned into a comic strip. Why? Because of her husband's infidelity. Let's take a look at the shortened list of Skank Ho's that Ashley has shagged - among many:

• There's the trog that he fucked two years ago while boozing with his obnoxious DJ mates in London.
• Then there's the blonde secretary that he shagged at the hotel that the Chelsea team were staying in.
• Page Three Girl Sonia Wild was next. Ashley sent her a picture of his cock via a text message. Classy!
  
• And what about the Seattle bird Ann Corbitt who works for some Senator who Ashley fucked while Chelsea were on tour in the US last summer. Chelsea tried and failed to cover that affair by getting their PR chief to advise the Yank political aide. But he failed at his job and the affair is now public knowledge.
  

Cole and his wife Tweedy are now living separate lives and a divorce is imminent. Judging by Ray Parlour's divorce - and remember Ray never cheated on his wife - Ashley will get killed financially in the divorce court.

To add to his woes, Cole is facing a £400,000 fine from Chelsea over his private life, which has heaped further embarrassment on the club. Alternatively, Cole could also be transfer listed by Chelsea following an investigation by the club. Owner Roman Abramovich is understood to be furious at the way Cole's alleged behaviour has damaged the reputation of the club.

Cole is the third Chelsea player to be involved in such a scandal - Lampard and Terry were the other two. Abramovich ruthlessly got rid of Mutu and Mourinho, so it wouldn't surprise anyone if he got shot of Cole.

It's funny how it's Chelsea's English players that are making the headlines for all the wrong reasons. The England manager Fabio Cappello must be shaking his head in disbelief. It's why buying foreigners makes more sense.

Keep it Arsenal