Be Thankful For Being an Arsenal Fan

Newcastle are desperate.

Everyone involved with that club is desperate.

Let's start with the players. If you are Michael Owen, why would you leave Real Madrid and join Newcastle? Why did Obafemi Martins leave Inter Milan for Newcastle? Why did Damien Duff leave a Premiership winning Chelsea team for Newcastle? Why would you join a team that has Nicky Butt as it's play-maker?

Nicky Butt is an MLS player. He doesn't belong in the Premiership.

The problem with Newcastle is that they sign players at the wrong end of their careers. They sign has-been players who have made Newcastle a has been club.

Alan Smith
Joey Barton
Nicky Butt
Geremi
Mark Viduka
Kevin Nolan

But the fans believe otherwise. They point to the millions of pounds spent each year on players, the 52,000 St James Park stadium, the Toon Army, the massive support and the Newcastle nightlife.

I look at Newcastle differently.

Number 1: it's right up there in the north-east of England. It's so far north it's practically in Scotland. The geographic equivalent in the United States is Bangor, Maine. You get the drift.

Living in London, you have the choice of catching a flight to Amsterdam, Paris or Newcastle. The cost and distance are the same but the culture isn't. You only have to look at Newcastle's icons to realize that.

Brown Ale, a football club and a bridge.

You can see why I choose Amsterdam or Paris every time.

Number 2: the weather. It's always cold in Newcastle. In tonight's game at St James Park the temperature was 41 F or 5 C. Yet on TV, hundreds of home supporters wore just a Newcastle top. I also noticed that there were some flurries of snow.

Flurries of snow?

We are 3 days away from May. Yes, May the first month of summer.

You will never get sun burnt in Newcastle. I can guarantee you that. Newcastle has replaced it's lack of sun with beer, pubs and neanderthal pussy.

Neanderthal pussy you ask? Yes, think scantily clad, pale, doughy skin, flab, short skirts, cheap make-up, yellow teeth, trash talking, peroxide gelled hair, pint downing pussy. It's desperate!

But looking fat, pasty, and anemic is the look in Newcastle. Combine the look with alcohol and you have have a fat cancer victim who is drunk. They make the characters in the film "Childern of the Corn" look normal.

Number 3: I can never understand a Geordie. They speak English but I would probably understand them better if they didn't. What they speak is Brown Ale. I need subtitles for whenever Gazza speaks, but I just give up whenever a drunk Newcastle fans tries to talk to me. I walk away in the same manner that I do when a crack head asks me for change after I have just withdrawn cash from the ATM.

Number 4: The Blayden Races. You what? The unofficial anthem of Newcastle United. It's an old 19th century folk song about a man and his friends traveling to a horse race. What it has to do with Geordie identity or a football club I have no idea! But before Newcastle's game against Portsmouth, a fat, bald, middle-aged, white, male with a red beard, ran around the pitch, trying to rally the crowd by waving a large Newcastle flag and singing in a bombastic opera voice, this crap folk song into a microphone. The Newcastle fans responded accordingly. Singing their hearts out. It was beyond pathetic.

Number 5: The billionaire Mike Ashley who became rich by buying sports brands from distressed sellers: Donnay, Lonsdale, Slazenger, Dunlop, Karrimor and Kangol. Hardly high end brands but then we're talking about Mike Ashley who is hardly a high end brand of chairman. Ashley typifies a rich Geordie. He wears a Newcastle top to games. He used to sit with fans until Kevin Keegan resigned. He downs pints in public, makes an idiot of himself in cheesy New York clubs by running up $150,000 tabs and dancing on stage with slappers. He's fat, ugly, pasty and lacks class.

The Arsenal chairman would never behave or act in such a crass manner. You may not like David Dein, Peter Hill-Wood or Danny Fiszman but at least they have class.

Number 6: Messiahs. Keegan the Messiah. He quit so Bobby Robson was the Messiah. He got fired so they eventually brought Keegan back to be the Messiah once again. He once again quit so now Shearer is the Messiah. If he quits who is next? How many more Messiahs can you invent?

Number 7: Managers. Since 2004, Newcastle have had six different managers since Bobby Robson was fired:

Graeme Souness
Glenn Roeder
Sam Allardyce
Kevin Keegan
Joe Kinnear
Alan Shearer

I wouldn't allow any of the above anywhere near any Arsenal team and that includes the Ladies. They are disturbing appointments at best. Ossie Ardilles is the only foreign manager to have been employed at Newcastle back in 1991-92. He was sacked after leaving Newcastle in serious relegation trouble and the north-east club haven't appointed a foreign coach since.

Newcastle have 31 points. They signed Shearer to beat the drop. In four games he has won zero games, scored one goal and gained just 2 points. In contrast, Portsmouth's coaching staff of Paul Hart and Brain Kidd (Fergie's number two during the treble season) have done a sterling job in making Pompey avoid relegation. Ten games, two defeats, 14 points.

Arsenal play Portsmouth on Saturday at Fratton Park. If Arsenal win they will guarantee themselves Champions League football next season. If Portsmouth win, they will guarantee Premiership football next season. Each competition is worth over $50 million.

Newcastle on the other hand can only guarantee you another Messiah. Shearer says he is standing down after this season so they will need a new one.

Who is left for them?

Yes, you've guessed it:

GAZZA